> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome,
> including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will > have
> you laughing out LOUD!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
> happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
> room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
> you help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
> his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
> looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie , Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged.
>
> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she > inquired
> (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
> times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in > my
> house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
> son holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
> you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step > outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, > Ernie
> is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
> male species, they um. um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
> his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> "So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
> And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's
> just .that .. ...
> I'm picturing you pulling on its . .. . its. . teeny little . . "
>
> She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
> lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going > to
> be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh,
> you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> Two lizards: $140.
>
> One cage: $50.
>
> Trip to the vet: $30.
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
>
> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>
> Lizards lay eggs!
Thank goodness this happened to someone else!
Bill
