--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little long, but funny as h___. And SIAP. It's from the Arab Tribune, in north Alabama. The editor of that paper is Daniel Moore's brother....
For you Auburn fans who are planning on driving your tractors to the duck-hunting adventure that is the National Championship game in Glendale, Ariz., on Jan. 10, you should have left a week ago. OK, now that I've gotten that out of my system, I really am proud for Auburn and its fans.
Unlike your brethren in Tuscaloosa, you AU folks don't get these type trips very often. The last time the Barners, I mean the Tigers, played for a national championship, Dwight D. Eisenhower was in the White House and Ed Sullivan hadn't heard of the Beatles yet. Fifty-three years is a long time in between National Championship games.
There's a good chance you have forgotten how to act or what to do while on a national stage such as the one you will be on. We Alabama fans know what class is, after all, we can buy University of Alabama caskets to show off to the worms.
Remember, you aren't just representing that cow coll..., I mean Auburn University. You are representing the state of Alabama. And, of course, when you read or hear Alabama, you think of the 13 National Championships and 22 SEC Championships that UA has in its trophy cases.
It will be a struggle, but I really am going to pull for AU to beat Oregon. I don't really want that big pretty trophy housed in the Great Northwest where it will stay damp and get rusty. With an AU win over the ducks, the state of Alabama would be home to 15 Division 1 college football National Championships - our 13 plus y'all's two. That would be great.
And from what I hear, you AU fans will be happy to know that Cam Newton will return for his senior season next year rather than going to the NFL. Apparently, he said he can't afford the pay cut. (Sorry, I guess I didn't have it out of my system.)
And based on the past 53 years when UA won eight championships and AU (hopefully) won two, the next 53 years will see the state of Alabama be home to 27 National Championships - our 21 and y'all's four.
In the spirit of sportsmanship, I offer here some tidbits that you Auburn folks should remember while you are in Glendale. It's a few things we Alabama folks learned while in Pasadena last year and New Orleans in 1993 and New Orleans in 1980 and New Orleans in 1979 and... well you get the message.
If you find yourself pulled over by local law enforcement, do not ask the officer to hold your beer while you find your driver's license.
Overalls are not appropriate attire to wear to the game and most tractors won't fit in parking spaces at the stadium.
When the doves are released during the pre-game ceremony, do not pull out your shotguns. It is "duck season," not dove season. In fact, leave your shotguns at home.
You are not hunting real ducks. They are football players whose mascot is a duck. Refer to the rule above.
I know you've been told that 17 and under are not admitted to R rated movies, but that doesn't mean you have to go in a group of 18.
Do not brag to Arizona residents that your car tag is personalized just because your father made it.
When asked where you are from, do not reply, "LA."
Guns N Roses is a rock band, not anniversary gifts.
The Battle of the Bulge is not an argument between your wife and mother.
If you go sightseeing at the Grand Canyon, do not test the air brakes on your truck by driving off a cliff.
After the band plays the National Anthem, do not yell out, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Do not tell people that you "loaded the dishwasher by getting your wife drunk."
If you go to the Glendale Aquarium, do not bring a cane pole or trot line.
Remove the rag from your gas tank and buy a replacement gas cap.
If asked for your ID in Glendale, do not show them your belt buckle.
When discussing the stock market, do not refer to the place where cows are sold.
Above all, have fun, Auburn fans. Enjoy the game. Bring home the national championship trophy home to Alabama. Soak it all in, because 2063 is a long ways off.
